Letters to Ethan

Dear Ethan,

So today your Momma is doing something I have been thinking about for a long time.  I'm starting a blog.  I realize that if I told the earthly 18 month old you I was staring a blog you would say, "Blocks!  Play blocks Momma!"  But something tells me the heavenly you understands far more than I could ever imagine.  My hope is that this blog helps other moms like me who miss their babies they way I miss you. 

It's been really tough for me since you left me that night.  The past two and half years have been so dark.  But in the midst of darkness there has been some light.  Like the birth of your sister.  I remember the night we find out you were going to have a little sister.  You and Dadda were playing a bubbles game on the new Kindle Fire.  You were having so much fun.  So when the Ultrasound Technician said, "It's a Girl!," we screamed and Dadda started tearing up and hugged you so hard.  And you said, "Bubbles!"  So you weren't as excited as we were, but we knew you were going to be the best big brother ever!

After many vicious rounds of For the love of everything that is holy can we just decide on a name for this child!, your Dad and I settled on Aria.  I remember when I told you, I put your hand on my growing stomach and said, "This is your sister, Aria." And without blinking, you looked at me and with perfect pronunciation said, "Aria." I swear I can still hear you saying it like it was yesterday.

Your Dad finally agreed to the name Aria because an aria is a melody for a solo voice in an opera.  Given your dad's musical background he thought that was pretty cool.  More interesting though, Aria means "lion" in Hebrew.  The Lion, a symbol of strength and the leader of the animal kingdom.   We had no idea at the time how perfect this name was for your sister.  After you left for heaven, we thought we were going to lose her.  My heart was shattered and my body felt just as broken.  But she was strong.  She was a fighter.  And after a very close call, and extreme monitoring, she came out screaming so LOUD!   The nurses in the OR literally said, "that's the loudest one we have had in awhile." She was already trying to get my attention and remind me that she needed me.  And I needed her.  She had a big role to fill, she was now going to be the leader of our children.

When she sleeps, she still looks just like you.  Sometimes when I do my nightly check on her (usually 3-4 times a night just like I did with you) I look at her and my heart stops.  I could swear I'm looking at you...you could have been twins.  And she is incredibly smart, just like you.  And she is such a good big sister to your new brother, Gabriel.  I can't wait to tell you more about him!  But that's for another night.  For now I know that you will continue to be the best big brother ever, and watch over your little sister and little brother.  I love you and I miss you every second of every minute of every day.  I am sending you a big kiss just like the one I gave you below!

Love you for eternity,