Surrender

What an amazing quote, decision and life-altering declaration!  I came across this today on Pinterest and the timing could not have been better.  I truly believe this is what God was trying to convey to me as I laid awake 3:00 AM this morning.  It was after I sang the Matchbox 20 song in my head for half an hour, nevertheless His presence was there.  The truth is, in that moment I did feel lonely.  Which is crazy because my life is non-stop as a full-time wife, mother, part-time Project Manager, maid, cook, house manager, book-keeper...my life just does not stop.  But there alone in the dark stillness of early mornings, I rarely feel peace.
I usually start thinking about Ethan and my thoughts head to the darkest memories.  Then I starting getting anxious that I won't be able to stop thinking about him thus not be able to fall asleep, there in which I will be exhausted when my daughter wakes me up at 6:00 AM. And then what if I fall asleep on the couch and one of my kids gets hurt!  Dang...I need a Xanax right now just thinking about it.
However, if I am completely honest with myself, a rarity these days, I know that it's not just in those late nights that I let my mind wonder to the point of panic.  My husband teases me that I am the consummate planner.  Always thinking ahead.  To the next vacation, next house project, next room to decorate, next house to buy, next season, next kid's birthday party, next, next, next!  And he is right.  I usually just tell him I was born this way I can't help it!  To some degree I can blame it on the fact that, like this morning at 3:00 AM, any stillness which forces me to really absorb the present, I find myself looking around for a blond-haired, blue-eyed 4 year old that I know I will not see.
So perhaps for me it's just easier to lose myself in planning and looking forward to things that might make the pain of this presence easier.  And I believe that God does want that for all of us to some degree.  God does want us to work for tomorrow, and yearn for the coming of His Son and for the wonder and awe that awaits us in heaven.  But I know He does not want us to constantly be planning and and worrying what, when, and how we will build our treasures on earth without stopping and thanking Him for the blessings He has already provided.
So as I read Julia Cameron's declaration I feel God is asking me to do the same.  To slow down and firmly plant my feet down and feel the earth.  To acknowledge the pain of the present imperfect world.  For He is asking me to acknowledge, hold fast, and fight this good fight.  I am now starting to understand and even trust that He will keep His end of the bargain and finish what He has started.
I believe we will grow from the unanswered prayers, heartaches, and disappointments and God will use these to mold and guide us to that place and moment where alas all is right with world.   And for me, I can then open my eyes and see the smile of a perfect, beautiful blond-haired, blue-eyed boy.

2 comments:

  1. Wow. Powerful, brutally honest and deep stuff. You are an inspiration to me to remember to be honest in the stillnessm as I too believe God has called us to do. Thank you for continuing to share here.

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  2. Thanks Jen! Sometimes putting it all out there is tough but if we are brutally honest with ourselves and others then God can really unite and empower us. Thank you for reading!! :)

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